The Ten Commandments of Cell Phones

Failure to obey these commandments can result in your being ridiculed by strangers and disassociated by your family and even your closest friends.

1. Thou shalt not subject defenseless bystanders to cell phone conversations. When people cannot escape the banality of your conversation—on a plane, train, bus, cab, or at a restaurant—spare them. We are just not interested, you boorish twit.

2. Thou shalt not set thy ringer to play "La Cucaracha" every time thy phone rings. Or Beethoven's Fifth, or the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive," or any other annoying melody. Is it not enough that your phone goes off every other second? In addition, any phone that announces "INCOMING CALL" should be tossed in a toilet.

3. Thou shalt turn thy cell phone off during public performances, in theaters, during speeches and meetings, family dinners, at weddings and funerals and on first dates.

4. Thou shalt not wear more than two wireless devices on thy belt. Techno-jockeys attempting to look like they are carrying Batman utility belts are not cool.

5. Thou shalt not dial while driving. This madness must stop. Put the phone down and just drive. There are enough people in the world who have problems mastering driving a vehicle by itself.

6. Thou shalt not wear thy earpiece in the presence of thy friends and coworkers. This is similar to wearing headphones connected to a CD player—it's just rude.

7. Thou shalt not speak louder on thy cell phone than thou would on any other phone. Phones have sensitive microphones, and it's gotten to the point where you can tell if someone is calling from a mobile phone simply by their volume of speaking, not how it sounds. If your signal cuts out, speaking louder won't help.

8. Thou shalt not grow too attached to thy cell phone. For obvious reasons, an addictive dependency on being constantly "in touch" is not healthy. At work, go nuts. Away from work, give it (and the rest of us) a rest.

9. Thou shalt not display thy cell phone on a restaurant table just in case it may ring. This is not the Old West, and you are not a gunslinger sitting down to a game of five-card stud in a Dodge City saloon. Be a little less conspicuous. If it rings, you'll hear it just as easily if it's in your pocket, purse or "holster."

10. Thou shalt not attempt to impress with thy mobile phone. Not only is using a cell phone no longer impressive (unless, of course, it's one of those really cool new phones with the space-age "Matrix" design, interchangeable multi-colored face with a laser-linked heads-up viewer and solar battery charger), but when it is used to impress, said user shall be immediately identified as a neophyte impost or a poseur and an outright ass.

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